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Strategy
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Description
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Humor
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Tense situations can be defused with a little humor. Laugh it off or make light of the situation. The point can be communicated, and everyone has a little laugh. Sarcasm and teasing are not so good as they leave a little sting.
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Unpredictable response
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Something said or done completely out of context or personal style can be very effective. For example, a boring task can be more fun when sung Opera style. Completely changing the topic, acting briefly like a lunatic yourself, and briefly joining in and then quickly ending the game/event can be fun and effective as well.
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Purposeful or planned ignoral
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Just let it go to allow the silence or lack of response speak for itself. Children often try and play tug-o-war with us. If you just don’t even pick up the rope in the first place, that game can’t start and the child may just move on or do what was asked. This works well when combined with stating expectations below.
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Eye contact
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Also known as “The Look.” Meet their eyes and let your expression say a thousand words.
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Proximity control
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Sit between the two kids who can’t stop laughing or touching each other. Also, try separating them. Be in their vicinity and appropriate behavior may follow.
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Re-direction of behaviors (providing choices)
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“Going outside isn’t what we are doing right now. You can (a) make a friendship bracelet, (b) read, or (c) write a letter. Which would you like to do?”
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Reinforce positive behavior
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Catch them being good. “That’s great that you made your bed without being asked. Good job!” The trick here is to not hook the child on the praise, because people should act because it is the right thing to do, and not because they want a pat on the back for doing it.
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Restate expectations and/or explain the reason for the task / rule / behavior
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“We don’t run in the house because things might get broken and you might get hurt.” Or “Remember, the group agreed that no one should touch other people’s things without their permission.” State the expectation, reason, and disengage. This method is providing the “Why” or “Because.”
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Coach and cue
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As per a previous conversation, when you touch your nose, scratch your head, or offer some other kind of cue, the child is reminded of the conversation and to stop a behavior or start one.
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State your feelings
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Simply state how you feel and why. I feel ______ when you ______ because ______. Follow up with providing choices.
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Flow for day, class, activity, . .
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Problems can be avoided by structuring the day and environment for success. Behavior is always a function of the person and the situation. For example, having too much dead time or having a lack of clear structure and rules around an activity might be begging for trouble.
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Voice volume and tone (not screaming or yelling)
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If the situation is problematic, try having your voice tone reflect it in a stern way without yelling or screaming. Often combined with eye contact.
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Points to keep in mind:
Made up, external rewards are “rat psychology.” Bribing children teaches them that they should be good because of something outside themselves, which doesn’t help children develop morality or character. External rewards are not child development in any sense.
Commanding children might work, but it isn’t educational or fun to be on the other side of a command. It also doesn’t given them something else to do besides what got them “in trouble.” Providing choices and stating your feelings are good alternatives to commands.
See the “5 approaches to discipline” to understand this point. Anytime a consequence is used, you have ceased using the “Success Counselor” method and have resorted to the “Monitor” approach. Recognize that it is ultimately less effective, and less likely to result in significant child development. The Success Counselor is focused on the individual truly accepting restitution. If restitution was not offered without the use of power, success counseling has failed.
Anything beyond these simple responses falls under the heading of needing to have a conversation. When that happens, the “Success Counselor” approach always needs to be undertaken, however brief.
Beware the “Hoover Maneuver”
“No!”
“You can’t make me!”
“But why?!”
“But I don’t want to!”
And then there are the wonderful delay tactics and silence options.
Kids (and even adults at time) will try and throw you a rope so that you can play tug of war with them. They know that something has to be done, and they usually know why. There really isn’t any discussion on the matter at hand, for example cleaning their room. However, kids have learned that arguments can sometimes get them out of things, or that they can be fun in some twisted way, or that they can get away with doing less.
So, kids become experts in throwing adults a “rope” and hoping that we will pick it up and start “playing” with them. It has also been called the “Hoover Maneuver” because they try and suck you in.
The only way to win that game is not to play. Don’t pick up the rope. Don’t get sucked in. Of the above strategies for dealing with behavior quickly, ignoring works well as a first attempt. If they keep slapping you in the face with the rope, don't respond with -- just please do it, by calling them names, by threatening them, by attempting to humiliate them, by punishing them, or picking up the rope in some other way. Instead, use some of the above strategies like humor, eye contact, or perhaps stating your feelings. If all of that fails, then it is appropriate to go through the success counselor steps and have “The Talk.” In any case, don’t pick up the rope!
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