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Back to Partnering with Parents Home
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“How to tick everyone off, while trying to be helpful and/or nice and/or safe”
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They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Whether with romantic couples, families, co-counselors or the wider camp community, relationships often find themselves in a hell on earth when folks try to be helpful, nice, or safe without being upfront with the other person(s). Unfortunately, it happens at every camp and every coupled relationship I’ve ever known, primarily because “dirty communication” can be so sneaky.
One of the cornerstones of healthy relationships and camps is “clean communication.” While most people understand that they should speak to someone with whom they have a problem, that is only 1 of 6 ways to communicate cleanly (#5), and the courage and maturity to do so are not always present. For the former, educating people about the “Six Faces of Dirty Communication” provides an awareness and a language with which to move toward harmony and happiness. Camps that have implemented training around these points have noticed a huge difference in the health of the community.
Courage and maturity have much to do with the hiring process, which is another subject/book altogether. Beyond getting the right people through the door and into the camp family, the remaining keys to fostering clean communication rests with the written and unwritten rules – the culture of the camp. Fortunately, I have written a book specially about summer camp culture, and it is freely available at www.visionrealization.com. One important element of the camp culture is the reduction of fear. Fear is greatly reduced when mistakes are dealt with positively. “The Art and Science of Mistakes” is a free another free resources available on my website.
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The Six Faces of Dirty Communication
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1. Any situation in which one person does something for another that the person can do for themselves
- You pick up the other person’s clothes, or clean the cabin
- I’ll get their dishes for them
- I know they can’t do it, or they don’t know what I know, so I’ll help them out
- They’ve got too much to do, so I’m going to do some of their things for them
2. Any situation in which one person does something that he or she does not want to do in relation to another. The other is unaware either of the dislike, or the degree to which it is disliked
- I hate going to this restaurant, sporting event, play, dance, kind of movie, shopping,
activity, . . .
- I don’t like being physical in this way
- I’m not comfortable with the way you relate to (friends, strangers, males, females, kids)
- I’ll switch teaching periods
3. Any situation in which one person does something for another without that person asking for help. Usually, either one person resents doing the task, or the other resents having it done for them. Neither ever fully and openly communicated and negotiated that task.
- You take care of the money side of things in relation to almost everything
- I’ll do all the camper evaluations
- I’ll write their parent letters
- I’ll do the cooking
4. People not asking for what they want for themselves because they are afraid of the other person’s reaction or they don’t think they can get it
- If I say that, they’re going to get mad, sad, withdrawn, sarcastic, passive aggressive, . . .
- What I really want is to go on vacation over here, but s/he won’t like it (never voiced)
- I really want to (switch activities, be with a different age, have better vegetarian food), but s/he won’t agree to it
- I wish we had more time together, but that’ll never happen
5. People not being honest and telling someone what is bothering them or what they would like them to do differently
- I hate it when we do that. Everyone hates that. Why are we going to do that?
- I wish I could really tell him/her how I feel and what I want, but I’m afraid
- They are so clueless, they’ll never get a clue, and we get to suffer for it
- They (s/he) are not willing to help out – they are being so stubborn, unhelpful, and just clueless! I don’t need to explicitly discuss it with them, because I already know what they are doing and why
- The administration said it has to be this way, we complained, they stood firm, and we’re all still pissed off, but there is nothing we can do about it now
6. Any joint activity in which one person puts in more effort or more interest than the other
- We were both going to clean up this area, and somehow I got stuck doing more of the work
- We’re both going on this trip together, but I’m the one doing most of the planning
- I’m the enthusiastic one that pulls everyone together; I wish someone else would step up to the plate besides me
- I pull most of the weight in this activity, but they aren’t ever going to be as good as I am, so I guess I have to suck it up and deal
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“Rescuing,” one of the six categories of acts above, someone or yourself results in both people feeling victimized, angry, and distant. There is always the assumption in the Rescuer that the other person is in some way powerless, unable to take care of her/himself, or in some other way, one down. The Rescuer becomes a caretaker. The person being rescued has lost an opportunity to learn or expand their limits or abilities. The rescued person may feel victimized or angry as a result. In every case, the act of Rescuing another person reaffirms and maintains the power imbalance between the Rescuer and the Victim and prevents the possibility of people becoming equals in the relationship. In order to eliminate Rescues, one has to believe that people are OK and capable of taking of themselves.
Not every problem can be solved – attitudes and methods are often different, and magic wands are hard to come by. What can be done is to have a healthy conversation about the differences and create a plan to do something differently. Occasionally, that plan may be for one or both people to release their anxiety that results from the imbalance, and thereby reestablishing balance. The alternative is to hold on to the anxiety and problem, and ultimately, no one wants that.
Clearing the air helps everyone breath easier. Just like enjoying the pristine air of the forest, clean communication is the fresh air camps need to be healthy.
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