|
|
 |
|
|
The following are a brief course in communication.
Emotion Intelligence is important, because . . .
- Emotional Intelligence predicts higher work performance 3 times better than I.Q. (cognitive intelligence)
- Leadership is largely an emotional intelligence.
- All interaction can be gauged along a continuum from emotionally toxic to emotionally nourishing.
- Two-thirds of workers say communication problems are the leading cause preventing them from doing their best work.
- Emotional Intelligence is one of the best predictors of divorce and marital satisfaction.
|
|
|
|
Active listening
- Dedicate your mental resources to hear every word, and try to care about each one of them.
- Eye contact, voice tone, minimal verbalizing, gestures, body language, clarifying questions.
Reflect the emotion
- Reflect back the emotion. Allows for venting. Child says, “I hate Jimmy! He broke my candle!” Counselor says, “Sounds like you’re really mad because he broke your candle.” When the emotion is labeled and acknowledged, people feel understood and reason can sometimes reign again.
Validating
- Confirms the value and meaningfulness of another’s experience. Makes the person feel safe. Allows for venting of steam, so that the person can let go of anger or frustration or other strong feelings and start problem solving. It is not — talking someone out of their feelings, making everything better, solving a problem, or explaining things. Validating someone else's experience does not invalidate our own experience. “I understand what you’re saying.” “It’s okay to feel that way.”
Reframing the content
- Reflect the message back so that the content is the same, but you take the sting out. Receive the daggers and hand them back a bouquet of flowers. Doing so can help the emotional person out of their fixed position and into a problem-solving mode.
- “He is a lying son of a gun.” “The truth is important to you. You think he is not telling the whole story.” “She is a lazy slob.” “You would like her to clean her side of the cabin more often. Cleanliness is important to you.”
I Statements
- Gives the listener information without blaming them. Allows the speaker to take responsibility for their own experience and feelings. Great for when people start to get escalated.
- I feel . . . when you . . . because . . .I need . . .or
- I observed . . . . and I feel . . . . I need . . . . I would like to request
|
|
|
|
Dealing with Conflict
|
|
|
|
|
Avoidance
lose-lose
|
Accommodation
lose-win
|
Competition
win-lose
|
Compromise
win-win
|
Collaboration
all-win
|
|
Refuse to deal with conflict, be unassertive, uncooperative. Outcome: hostility, resentment; discontent; gossiping/ complaining; escalated problem. DIRTY COMMUNICATION
|
Be unassertive, yet cooperate, give in to other at own expense. Outcome: Resentment or anger for one toward other; insecurity; feeling of failure; frustration.
|
Be assertive , yet uncooperative, have strong desire to be "winner" , with less concern for other party. Outcome: rebellion; little support gained.
|
Balance assertiveness and cooperation, give and take to reach mutual agreement. Outcome: better commitment to solution; better relationship.
|
Be assertive and cooperative; work toward best possible outcome for all, seek win-win solution. Outcome: same as compromise, & solution incorporates perspectives
|
|
|
|
|
More Communication Tools
|
|
|
|
Tool: Helpful phrases
Olive branch statement
“You know what, I want you to win, and I want to win too.”
Attractive requests
How is this other person going to win with me?
It would really be great if . . . .
I would feel so much better if . . . .
Avoid “You Never” “You don’t” “You should”
If you slap them, they might slap you back, wish they could, or silently stew
Use most “Journalistic Questions”
|
|
|
|
|
What
|
are you feeling
just happened
is going on here
|
do you need from me right now
can I do to help us work this out
|
|
How
|
are you doing
can we both win here
|
are you feeling
|
|
Where
|
would be a good time
|
are you
|
|
When
|
would be a good time
|
|
|
Who
|
can help us
|
|
|
|
|
|
Tool: Non-violent Communication (NVC)
|
|
|
|
|
Expression
|
Empathy
|
|
Observation
|
When I see / hear . . .
|
Observation
|
[When you see/hear . . .]
|
|
Feeling
|
I feel . . .
|
Feeling
|
Are you feeling . . .
|
|
Need
|
Because I need . . .
|
Need
|
Because you need . . .
|
|
Request
|
Would you be willing?
|
Request
|
[Would you like . . .?]
|
|
|
|
|
Observations:
Description of what is seen or heard without added interpretations. For example, instead of "She's having a temper tantrum," you could say "She is lying on the floor crying and kicking."
Feelings:
Our emotions rather than our story or thoughts about what others are doing. For example, instead of "I feel manipulated," which includes an interpretation of another's behavior, you could say "I feel worried." Avoid the following phrasing: "I feel like . . . " and "I feel that..." - the next words will be thoughts or behaviors, not feelings. Instead of saying “I feel like crying,” say “I feel sad and frustrated”
Needs:
Feelings are caused by needs, which are universal and ongoing and not dependent on the actions of particular individuals. State your need rather than the other person's actions as the cause. For example, "I feel annoyed because I need support" rather than "I feel annoyed because you didn't do the dishes."
Requests:
Doable, immediate, and stated in positive action language (what you want instead of what you don't want). For example, "Would you be willing to come back tonight at the time we've agreed?" rather than "Would you make sure not to be late again?" By definition, when we make requests we are open to hearing a "no," taking it as an opportunity for further dialogue. You have to hear the YES and the NO. What are they saying "yes" to that is inviting them to say "No" to my request? What are the needs behind their choices?
|
|
