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Four(Ish) Letter Words That Have
Virtually No Meaning
Good, nice, mean, cool, fine, like, sure, okay, alright, awesome, whatever, yeah
- When a stranger at the post office asks how you’re doing, you say “fine” even though you’re late for a presentation at work because your alarm didn’t go off and you’ve lost the disk with the presentation on it.
- Someone at work has been bothering you all week and when he finally comes and asks you what’s wrong you say “you’re not being very nice. You’ve been mean to me all week.”
- When your aunt Hilda gives you a vomit green colored sweater with florescent pink worms embroidered on the front you say “gee, thank you, it’s so nice, I like it.”
Nice, good, bad and mean are very general indicators of mood. If someone tells me they are having a good day, I get the impression that nothing too earth shatteringly terrible has happened, but I don’t know how they’re feeling. The words describe an emotion, but not a strong or detailed one.
The four(ish) letter words listed at the top are widely used in daily conversation. The words themselves aren’t the problem; they just don’t mean much of anything. Describe nice; what does fine mean? For the sake of real, meaningful conversations, the words have very little substance. Often, they’re what you say if you can’t think of anything, or are not in touch with, the experience you are really having.
What can we say instead of ____? When is it important?
It depends on the situation. By describing feelings, people can feel obligated to help a difficult situation and there is the potential for a long discussion. If you’re talking to the cashier at the grocery store, it is likely not the time, place or person you want to be discussing your frustrations with. If you’re having a serious conversation with a co-worker, using little to none of the four(ish) letter words would be appropriate.
At the post office, there’s perhaps nothing wrong with saying “I’m a little stressed right now.” Even “it’s okay” is not out the ordinary, though probably not very honest given the situation. I believe it is possible to be polite but truthful without the other person feeling like a long discussion of your problems is necessary. Delivery makes a big difference in outcome.
The co-worker gets no information on how their actions are affecting the other person from “you’re not being very nice. You’ve been mean to me all week.” What does nice or mean actually signify? What does that behavior look like? NVC techniques come into play to make this a meaningful and helpful conversation.
Aunt Hilda’s sweater: “Aunt Hilda, thank you for caring about me enough to take the time to make this. I can tell by all the detail, including the matching pink worm buttons, that you care about me a lot.” Follow the guidelines of educational praise. Be specific. Pick out specific examples of things you appreciated or enjoyed.
Thank you is a form of praise. A vague, non-described thank you is like a locked treasure chest. There is something great inside but it is the details that unlock it. If you want to thank someone from the heart, the same guidelines for educational praise need to be followed. Tell them exactly what you enjoyed. Own up to the feeling and emotion that whatever they did conveyed. You can appreciate the work Aunt Hilda put into the sweater and the kind thoughts it conveyed while not sharing her sense of style.
The depth of the thank you will vary depending on the situation. Thanking someone for handing you something you dropped or giving you a receipt at a store doesn’t require any detail. Thanking your waitress at a restaurant can be as short as “thanks, the service was really quick today,” “or thanks for your meal suggestions, I enjoyed expanding my palette as well as the rich flavors.” The stronger the connection, the more detail required.
In an attempt to circumvent the four(ish) letter words, “appreciate” and “happy” often get subbed in. Both can be useful and appropriate, but care needs to be taken that they are not overused. Happy can be another four(ish) letter word. Without an explanation of what about the person or situation makes you feel that way, it doesn’t provide any feedback.
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