I always knew I was destined to be a ninja monster tiger pirate cheetah fairy princess. I guess I didn’t know it the same way you know what your name is or what your favorite color is, rather it was more like a little notion that you just feel in your bones. Like how old men on porches know when some strange weather is headed this way.

My path to becoming a mythical creature wasn’t all magic. I grew up in the beautiful, easy-to-draw state of Colorado, where mountains rise from the earth like the jagged points of a dragon’s back. The pond and creek down the street from my suburban home were my Swiss Family Robinson tree house land, where shining purple and gold fish would leap form the water as we built forts fit for kings. Summers were spent lounging about in the golden sunshine or traipsing through flowery mountain meadows where elves were known to live. Winters were cold and perfect for racing abominable snowmen down sparkling slopes of pure white snow.

My propensity for adventure, coupled with a desire to learn about everything ever, carried me through many years of academic labyrinths, with wizards of science and math and literature hiding behind every ordinary classroom door. I discovered that riding horses was a lot like soaring on the backs of giant flying dinosaurs, which I had only had the chance to do a couple of times before.

I met many brilliant countrymen and women with whom I spent countless hours in battle on great emerald soccer fields; developing victory strategies for ghost-filled neighborhood night games; and devouring treats not so very dissimilar to that which we know as Lazy Dog in our Augustan lands. It seemed as though the fair lads and lasses around me only became more interesting and strange as I continued my journey Northward to Boulder, Colorado.

Life at the University of Colorado was enchanted indeed, and I grew ever-closer to realizing my unlikely destiny. Who knew that a major in Environmental Studies with a minor in Peace and Conflict Studies was actually a secret gateway into a hidden garden for ninja-robot-pirate training? Certainly not me! At least not at the time. I remember the day I was offered a deceptively simple piece of white paper – I think some refer to it as a diploma, or a degree? – which indicated that I had successfully crossed into the Real World of Infinite Possibility. Infinite Possibility? Here then, is where I began my real training to become a ninja monster tiger pirate cheetah fairy princess.

I received a confidential Secret Mission envelope a couple of years after leaving the world of school. To this day, I do not know who wrote the mission letter. Though I would have had to kill anyone who knew anything about it at the time (due to the high level of secrecy required for this particular mission), I am now free to talk about it with anyone who is interested. As it turned out, I was needed for a covert op in California. Armed with my best personal gear – a super-turbo-jetpack-powered vintage VW Beetle, high-tech sleeping bag, invisibility sunglasses, and a toothbrush – I set out, not knowing exactly what lay ahead.

One twisting path led to another and soon I was deep into a forest somewhere between Sacramento and Reno. Whole populations of vegetable gnomes lived free in these hills and dancing seemed to be the preferred method of transportation from one location to another. Highway signs announced my arrival in Nevada City, and another, more modest sign signaled that I had stepped into the realm of Augusta. Ropes spiraled above my head, fire swirled through the air, and spontaneous gatherings of singing bear-huggers materialized without a moment’s notice. “Ahh,” I said to myself, “I understand this place to be an ancient, ceremonial hippy site!”

Pleased with myself for having discovered where it was I now stood in the midst of this secret mission, I began to take in the activity around me. Soon I realized, however, that my initial assumption could not have been father from the truth, except for the 20% of the time that that assumption is actually spot-on. No, here was a place too mighty for the simple-minded, too strange for the weak-hearted, too spirited for the stuck-in-a-rut. To my knowledge, this clandestine Augustan world is the only place on earth that is home to pirates, ninjas, acrobats, monkey-people, fire dancers, unicorn breeders, robot constructionists, and winged fairies.

Two years of intense training at Augusta were enough for me to know that I needed more, yes MUCH more, dedicated work. My mission barely begun, I spent days and nights by firesides and in the hidden cabins of Oak Village studying the ways of campers and counselors who had come before me. Whispers of the Tall Man Who Walks Softly While Shooting Arrows and Flinging Oatmeal floated on the pine-scented air from time to time. I trained myself to eat tortellini and Snickerdoodlewiches while simultaneously defeating fleet-footed wardens and vampires. I joined the secret clan known as CIRCLE, whose knights bestowed upon me the title “Giraffa-Mega-Corn” (or Mega for short), surely one of the greatest honors an Augustan such as myself might ever receive.

With much sadness, and also much anticipation, I left the land of Augusta last summer in order to build upon that which I had learned in the woods. Now, it was time for me to work with the masters of imagination: 4-year-olds. Though I had moments when I struggled to believe it could be done, they worked with me endlessly so that I might become a monster who also happens to second as a lovely princess when the moment is right. Growling, chasing, ferocious claw wielding – broken up only by lovely horse rides to India, the ocean, and the future where Superman, Ironman, and cheetahs are all equally impressive at defeating bad guys.

And so, I return once more to Augusta this summer, my third in a place I know no better word for than home. After 26 years of education, I am a wee bit closer to becoming the ninja monster tiger pirate cheetah fairy princess that I aspire to be. The dream is happening alright, but do please let me know if you have any particular exercises or special dietary supplements that you would suggest.